apology to those sincere readers of my blog. im juz too lazy to blog fer the past 2 wks. busy with school and work. not to forget. my stupid wisdom tooth. causing me so much trouble. ha! thus i promise this post will be a super long one. but also. reflects my deepest thought. and im sure ppl will get pissed off with what im going to say abt certain things. but they are juz my inner thoughts. and if anybody is pissed with what im gng to say. den forget it. im juz statin my feeling. im sorry but i jus cant help to feel the way im feeling.
first to start off~ SP Musical. went on Saturday nitex. enjoyed myself. the musical is great. well done SP Musical. it realli reflects the teenagers now. a heartwarming musical. i love watchin musical! it is so nice. =) wore the skirt. and baby is so so excited. lolx. but the saddening thing is, the HAZE. it is realli so bad that baby felt so sick. =( went home after musical.
service on sunday. had pastamania @ bugis after tat. and once again. my tears dropped. i onced said. the guy that ever make my tears dropped is never worth my love @ all.. especially after so much hurt that i have been thru.. but i think this isnt so for baby. i cried coz i felt so bad. for always bullying baby. hurting him and get "scolding" by him. and feel bad coz of baby's "scolding" and thus cried. i cried coz i hate myself for being so abusive. and also.. i reali dont like the way baby "scold" me ba. it isnt scolding. but those reprimanding. coz i dont like that feeling. maybe just like what Pastor Kong said, we tend to be more vulnerable in front of our partner... and i juz cant control my tears.. nevertheless, after venting my tears out... we had a gd lunch and went to work. tiring.
regards SPCO.. i have alot of feelings.. mixed feelings rather... i dun feel the sense of belonging anymore.. SPCO have become a place that i feel so unfamiliar.. the way things happen.. it is making me feeling more n more sick of it.. ppl might say its becoz i haven been goin for practice... ya. i admit that i haven been attending the practices.. but have ppl put themselves in my shoes... looking @ things from my point of view... and instead of talkin behind me and having wild gueses that im skippin pract to spent time with baby.. i duno.. or even saying str8 into my face tellin me that my priorities aint right anymore.. i think my priorities are being set by me.. it isnt for anyone else to decide.. ive been in SPCO since im in sec4.. and now, im suppose to be in my last semester in SP.. ive been in SPCO for at least a good 4 years... im considered the oldest in SPCO now.. to be frank.. ever since Leng graduated... my strength to continuing on in SPCO had gone downhill.. she have been my pillar of strength for me thru my academic yr being the president.. now that she had left.. i felt so alone.. yes. there are other friends in there.. but they aint those that have went thru thick and thin with me.. they dont even understand me.. to be frank.. i doubt anyone understand me so well.. but sad to say... i juz feel that ive drifting apart from Leng.. issit due to the reason that im attached and thus i have no time for them?? this is the reason they gave when i asked why i aint called for to any outings.. to be frank it hurts.. am i so easily forgotten.. to me now , SPCO is not the same SPCO to me anymore... upcoming concert.. dates have been changed again and again. of course nobody can be blamed.. but it have become a pt that im sick of it.. excited to disappointment.. cancellation of concert dates due to tons of reasons.. exam period for SP Students, exam period for guest musicians, member or guest musicians or alumnis unable to make it on the initial planned date, CO not up to standard, conductor not free due to performance or unable to book the convention hall.. perhaps this CO is too much of welfare?... SPCO is a place whr i went thru my darkest ever period in my life of studies... all those deeply engraved scars that are in me... are still aching... the emotional hurts and mental torture.. though mould me into a stronger person.. but it had also mould me into a more heartless human.. objections have been coming from everywhr.. lecturers, parents, friends... even my lecturers are against me being so involved in my cca. and causing my studies to suffer.. yes.. though i said b4 im not interested in my course anymore.. but still i have to complete it.. somehow or rather i start to regret joinin SPCO and thinkin why im not one of those that will leave... my studies had suffered so much.. even Mr Ng asked me why did i bring Xinjie in when i had been thru so much of things in SPCO... it set me thinking.. am i wrong to bring her in.. am i pushing her into the fire.. or maybe @ that point of time, my mentality is to help SPCO grow.. my heart have grew cold.. i can only officially wash my hands clean from SPCO after this semester.. and let this be a memory in me..
regards the friends i had in SPCO.. there is this grp of friends that i held on so dearly to my heart.. but yet now they have mostly graduated... and i seem to be drifted away.. reasons given by them, im too busy to entertain them.. coz i nid to go out with my baby.. yes. indeed there are times whrby im realli very busy.. but.. they had assumed that i will choose baby over them.. having said that they understands me well... i doubt so... to be frank, the feeling stings.. it is juz like how im feeling when goin thru the committee problems durin the old times.. both grp of ppl are those that i had held so dearly to my heart.. yet im jus someone that walked in and out of their life.. and easily forgotten... it hurts... perhaps ive changed.. or perhaps they have changed.. i duno... i would take it that ive changed...
having some emtional release... tears flowin down is never what i enjoyed... having said so much.. i believe there bound to be ppl that are truely disappointed with how i felt or even angry with me.. so be it.. i cant please everybody.. and i dun wan to live my life juz to please everybody... i have my life.. im the controller of my life.. i have the right to decide which button i wanna press.. sorry to disappoint anyone.. sorry to make anyone of u angry.. but i realli meant what i say.. i dun nid to hide and i dunwan to hide....
thru these few days.. ive went thru some rough patches with my parents.. had this panic attack and it almost caused my life if it wasnt my cousin who helped calm me down.. im not sure why... but i'll always get these attacks.. and i totally cant control my limps and breathing... sound like some fits attack.~ ha.! never mind..
nevertheless, had Sakae Sushi ystrday with baby. his treat!~ and i went to Bugis to surprise baby.. never did i noe he was there actually to buy a surprise for me!!! ha! and i spoilt his plan~~ hee!!! well.. we went to TCC to rot for another hour b4 heading home.. baby sent me home... thanks... =) anyway he didnt buy the surprise that day.. lolx!!! =x
to end my post.. perhaps shall post some pictures.. lolx!!! juz some random pictures la.. oh ya!! not to forget, i actually mit up a gal frm wlny and bought a bag from her... 16bucks.. hmm... seeing the bag... diaox.. very small la.. but nevermind la.. suan le..
this is the bag.. lolx.. it looks big here.. but in actual fact.. it is super small!!!~~ haa~~~ nevermind.. maybe can try use it fer a few times see how ba~~ lolx!!!
cut my hair on the day of my operation... the hair look a bit kuku!!! haa~~ i mean i look abit kuku!! haa!!! nevermind.. lolx!!!~ taken using Felicia's fone...
thats me and singyee. POS mate. and also Holland Village Coffee Clubbers~~ haa!! =) she was actually doing duty and i make her take photo with me.. once again.. it is using Felicia's fone!! haa!!!
last but not least me and baby~ =) he juz look so great~~haa!! i look like a nerd!! faint!! lolx.. =)
